Infinite Loop of Anxiety and Depression

Yeah, today without any rational reasons, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. Well, there WERE reasons though, but I hate to admit it. Today everything was okay. I talked to some friends, had a nostalgic vibe from them—felt encouraged and cheered. I even thought all day about some recipe that I’m going to try tomorrow.

It just happened. I cried at night. It was a long and silent one. Yeah, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these past few days—even worse than last year (which I considered as the worst year ever since I was having nonstop anxiety and depression for losing myself and my loved ones). And the absence (ignorance) of my Aviator only extended my tears. Yeah, I know I sound whiny writing all these teary things; in fact that’s the reason I always stop myself from writing emotionally even when I need to.

I know I’ve always overthinking things ahead; it’s not easy to stop thinking (you may never know this unless you’re also an INTP). I had people telling me to stop thinking for once. But this is how I work. I have a lot of going in my mind more than you think I do. I’m both pessimistic and a foolish. Even writing this embarrassed me. I know I should have stop worrying things and act instead.

But how should I act? Even today I’m still torn between my dreams and the realistic life I live in. How if I follow my intuition but end up regretting my decision because I ignore what society told (pushed) me?

I hate the fucking society. I hate the world (not the earth and its whole magnificent nature within it—it’s the destructive human that I can’t stand).

And I hate myself the most. How could one bear this broken-hollowed soul, I’ll never know.

Sincerely,

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Review: War & Peace (2016, TV Mini-Series)

Holaaa guys and gurls! Kali ini aku akan me-review mini-series keluaran 2016 berjudul War and Peace. Ada yang sudah nonton belum?

Series ini merupakan adaptasi dari novel klasik fenomenal berjudul sama yang ditulis oleh sastrawan kenamaan Rusia bernama Leo Tolstoy. Kenapa novel ini fenomenal? Sebab War and Peace adalah salah satu novel terpanjang dalam sejarah sastra. Tebal bukunya itu loh, 1392 halaman! Belum lagi tema yang diangkat menjadi cerita lumayan kompleks, yakni mengenai peperangan dan intrik para keluarga aristokrat paling berpengaruh di Rusia; menjadikan buku ini semakin ‘sulit’ dibaca. Selain itu, dikarenakan ketebalan dan kejadulannya—serta minat terhadap sastra yang cenderung rendah, terbilang sulit untuk menemukan dan memiliki hardcopy novel ini di Indonesia (dan mungkin negara lain). Maka tidak heran bagi kalangan penyuka sastra menyelesaikan War and Peace merupakan kebanggaan tersendiri (read: bisa nyombong). tongue Continue reading

Graduation, But Not Really

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So, last weekend, last Thursday, 1st Dec 2016 to be precise, I finally graduated, got a diploma degree in analytical chemistry.

Yep, now it’s official that I’m jobless, no more a student.

To be honest, I was not even looking forward to the day. Mainly not because I’m unoccupied—it’s because I am not even proud of what I’ve achieved (the diploma degree in analytical chemistry with a so-so GPA). Also, I don’t really know how to interact with a bunch of friends (read: colleagues) after such a long long long time didn’t meet them.

To emphasize it, I’ve been through a very rough year. I’m struggling with so many things that deal with my (hidden) emotions (which is my weakest side). Let’s say I’ve been in grief, resentment, frustration, disappointment, heart-break, despair, bitterness… A complete package of negativity which leads myself even into a worse state of mind: social anxiety and depression. I’ve had those since I was younger, but this year those things come and sweep me away every time. I’m not usually like this.  Continue reading

Spaghetti Tek-tek Pedas

Holaaaa guys girls! Balik lagi ke acara masak ngasal bersama Loti. love food crazy rabbit  Sebenarnya aku jadi sering masak bukan saja karena nganggur berat dan pengen kurus, tetapi karena memang aku sekarang (terpaksa) jadi penjaga dapur di rumah sejak punya keponakan tapi malah nggak punya duit (buat jajan). But it is also intrigued me to explore more. big grin  Kalau lagi sendirian di rumah (karena ibuku jaga keponakan), aku jadi sering eksperimen memanfaatkan bahan apa saja yang ada di kulkas demi kelangsungan perut dan dompet. Continue reading

Review: Dunia Kafka (Kafka on The Shore)

Yeeeeeeay! Akhirnya aku berhasil menyelesaikan buku Kafka on The Shore setelah berjuang selama enam hari!pheew crazy rabbit

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dari Google

Kafka on The Shore adalah buku karangan Haruki Murakami, seorang penulis yang namanya baru kuketahui setahun belakangan ini. Sebelumnya aku tidak tahu kalau beliau terkenal banget di kancah internasional sebagai penulis Jepang kontemporer yang punya pengaruh besar di era modern. Malah sepertinya Murakami-sensei punya fan base yang besar (dan maniak), serta sering dianggap sebagai genre tersendiri (misalkan: wah buku ini Murakami banget!). Berdasarkan komentar di internet, aku mendapati bahwa Murakami adalah penulis yang kental dengan unsur surealis. Aku yang saat itu sedang tergila-gila dengan tulisan Seno Gumira Ajidarma jadi ngiler juga kepengen baca buku Murakami-sensei.

Sayangnya saat itu buku Murakami-sensei sedang tidak ada di peredaran. Pada akhirnya sih aku beli (ditraktir) Kafka on The Shore sewaktu kemarin ke acara IIBF di JCC. Tadinya sih kepengen beli 1Q84… tapi tebal banget mana trilogi pulak (aku lagi nggak mood sama novel yang terlalu panjang). Continue reading