Hello, I’ve Missed You (LOL) (Random Post)

Nah, I’m kidding. I don’t really miss this blog tongue. I’m at the moment where I get really bored with one thing so I do other thing(s) instead. In this case: 1. I was not in the mood for blogging 2. I had personal issues (responsibility, dealing with anger, mild depression, and social anxiety—I feel better now though) 3. I have to focus on other serious long term project 4. I have to read both Cosmos (Carl Sagan) and A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments (Roland Barthes) concurrently in my free time 5. I was just being a procrastinating INTP, what else could it be? rolling on the floor

Actually, I’ve listed down some posts that I plan to write. Lots of them. Movie reviews. New Recipes. Book reviews. Arggghhh they drive me crazy that I want to get rid of them from my to-do list (but I shouldn’t!). Sooo I decided to relax a bit and write more about ME (as remedy, I could be pretty “sick” at times, you know). I’d like to talk about random abstract things, my ideas, my past, my dreams, or just shitty posts to let go of my overwhelming thoughts (and sometimes, emotion too, Honey kiss). I have to remind myself that I should not stress myself intentionally—I should be happy whenever I’m writing! happy

Also, I’ve decided to write in English now (except for review and recipes posts). I realized 90% of my followers and readers aren’t from Indonesia. For me it is kind of upsetting if my writing goes for nothing. And since it’s decided that I am going to let people take a glimpse into my life, I better not write them in Bahasa Indonesia (I don’t feel good writing something personal/emotion-draining posts—it makes me feel exposed and stupid. English makes it better because my people would be less interested to read it xD).

So, I’ll work harder to provide good posts from now on! I hope you’ll still enjoy my blog even with the upcoming changes sad. See you later guys and gurls! *hugsandkisses *sorrymyenglishissobadthistime

Sincerely,

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Infinite Loop of Anxiety and Depression

Yeah, today without any rational reasons, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. Well, there WERE reasons though, but I hate to admit it. Today everything was okay. I talked to some friends, had a nostalgic vibe from them—felt encouraged and cheered. I even thought all day about some recipe that I’m going to try tomorrow.

It just happened. I cried at night. It was a long and silent one. Yeah, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these past few days—even worse than last year (which I considered as the worst year ever since I was having nonstop anxiety and depression for losing myself and my loved ones). And the absence (ignorance) of my Aviator only extended my tears. Yeah, I know I sound whiny writing all these teary things; in fact that’s the reason I always stop myself from writing emotionally even when I need to.

I know I’ve always been overthinking things ahead; it’s not easy to stop thinking (you may never know this unless you’re also an INTP). I had people telling me to stop thinking for once. But this is how I work. I have a lot of going in my mind more than you think I do. I’m both pessimistic and a foolish. Even writing this embarrassed me. I know I should have stop worrying things and act instead.

But how should I act? Even today I’m still torn between my dreams and the realistic life I live in. How if I follow my intuition but end up regretting my decision because I ignore what society told (pushed) me?

I hate the fucking society. I hate the world (not the earth and its whole magnificent nature within it—it’s the destructive human that I can’t stand).

And I hate myself the most. How could one bear this broken-hollowed soul, I’ll never know.

Sincerely,

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Graduation, But Not Really

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So, last weekend, last Thursday, 1st Dec 2016 to be precise, I finally graduated, got a diploma degree in analytical chemistry.

Yep, now it’s official that I’m jobless, no more a student.

To be honest, I was not even looking forward to the day. Mainly not because I’m unoccupied—it’s because I am not even proud of what I’ve achieved (the diploma degree in analytical chemistry with a so-so GPA). Also, I don’t really know how to interact with a bunch of friends (read: colleagues) after such a long long long time didn’t meet them.

To emphasize it, I’ve been through a very rough year. I’m struggling with so many things that deal with my (hidden) emotions (which is my weakest side). Let’s say I’ve been in grief, resentment, frustration, disappointment, heart-break, despair, bitterness… A complete package of negativity which leads myself even into a worse state of mind: social anxiety and depression. I’ve had those since I was younger, but this year those things come and sweep me away every time. I’m not usually like this.  Continue reading

To All of You

To all of you,

 

Who knows me—who still remember me, who has already forgotten about me.

To whom I don’t remember anymore, to whom I always think of in every second.

 

I want to say sorry.

For being ignorant. For being care.

Sorry that I barely remember you. Sorry that I can’t get you out of my mind.

Sorry for not in love. Sorry that I’m in love all the time.

So sorry for hurting. So sorry for being too kind.

 

I’m all mixed up, and I’ll always be like this since I’m stupid at life.

 

Sorry for every wrong decision I’ve made in my life.

 

With Love,

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