Morning Thoughts: A Moment of Decision

I’m having a serious talk with myself—like a parent who scolds her child for being mischievous. THAT child is in a big trouble, obviously
The discourse goes like this:
“Loti, why are you doing this?”
“I don’t know! I can’t stop it. It’s tempting—it’s irresistible.”
“But you’re hurting yourself.”
“I know.”
“But you make yourself look like a fool.”
“I don’t like it one bit.”
“Who does?”
“I keep going because there’s uncertainty in it. There’s possibility.”
“Then let’s make it certain, for our own good.”
“But how?”
“Accept that it would never end well. Accept that it’s never meant for you.”


Depression: How It Feels Like

I know I know it’s out of nowhere. This is my first post of 2018 and yet I have to give you emo writing.

Yes, I’m having severe depression and quite mild social anxiety (or just anxiety?)—followed by anger management problems and negativistic/pessimistic trait.

My depression occurred around 2016. At that time, I had to face several stressing situations: internship, being heart-broken, the death of beloved cat, life after graduation, etc.  It might be easier for common people to get past those things, but I’m not one of them. I’m a malfunctioning INTP.

I have to struggle with my depression since then. It won’t let go of me—it gets worse each day. It is part of me now—I have to accept it. Pretending I’m OK had only made it worse. This is why I wrote this post. It’s a way to deal with my reoccurring depression and move on with life.

So, how it’s like to be engulfed in depression? Continue reading

CPNS 2017 – SKB Kemenperin

*This post will be useful for future readers who are going to face SKB Kemenperin

Selang seminggu dari SKD CAT, aku selalu menyempatkan diri untuk mengecek website Kemenperin. Nihil. Sampai pada suatu Jumat aku lihat halaman rekruitmennya berubah polos kosong. Kupikir, “wah kayaknya udah mau di-upload nih pengumuman baru.”

Keesokan harinya, seperti biasa aku langsung cek henpon ketika bangun tidurteehee crazy rabbit . Kudapati beberapa alumni menyelamatiku di Whatsapp, “Selamat ya Rai semoga sukses!”

“Huh memang ada apa ya?” aku masih belum melek betul. Kulihat mereka menyertakan tautan pdf di chat-nya. Ternyata sudah keluar pengumuman peserta yang lolos SKD—dan aku termasuk ke dalam 712 orang yang lolos!  happiness crazy rabbitUnbelievable! Lucu sekali aku tau kabar ini malah dari orang lain. Ternyata mereka sudah tau dari grup Whatsapp regional masing-masing. Pengumumannya sempat di-upload di website Kemenperin, tapi entah kenapa dihapus lagi. Untung saja aku dikasih tau loh berhubung aku nggak gabung grup Whatsapp CPNS.

Sabtu pagi itu aku merasa senang dan bangga. Baru saja Jumat kemarin aku merasa low sekali dalam hidup sad. I used to keep the flame in myself no matter how shitty my life is and how pessimistic I am. But strangely at that time I was no longer passionate or care of my dreams. Maka kabar kelulusanku ini membuatku hidup lagi. Life is strange isn’t it? That something you’ve never cared before in your whole life suddenly able to cheer you up.

Selain itu aku turut merasa cemas. Aku kebagian tes Seleksi Kompetensi Bidang (SKB) tanggal 16 November yang mana adalah Kamis minggu depan. Aku tidak antisipasi bakal lanjut, dan nggak ada bayangan sama sekali SKB kayak gimana (apalagi SKB Kemenperin, nggak nemu tulisan orang di Google). Dalam waktu 6 hari yang bagiku terbilang singkat, aku harus persiapan apa? worried Continue reading

CPNS 2017 – SKD CAT Kemenperin (Beware, Long Dramatic Story!)

*This post will be useful for future readers who are applying for Kemenperin

Helooow guys! Mungkin banyak dari kalian yang nggak tau kalau aku ikut tes CPNS 2017 big grin. Perlu diketahui kalau aku sebenarnya nggak pernah kepikiran jadi PNS batting eyelashes. Apabila berita soal pembukaan CPNS gelombang II nggak terdengar oleh my bff dan ortuku, dapat dipastikan aku nggak bakal daftar. Namun karena pilihanku saat ini sangat terbatas, aku coba ambil kesempatan deh.

Sebagai lulusan D3 Analisis Kimia, aku ambil formasi satu-satunya yang kutau tersedia buatku, yakni teknisi laboratorium di Kementrian Perindustrian (Kemenperin). Meski berawal dari keterpaksaan, aku niatkan buat belajar materi kewarganegaraan dari jauh-jauh hari (tapi sambil males-malesan parah sih). Bagiku ini lebih kayak tantangan diri sejauh mana kemampuanku dibanding masalah aku ngebet pengen jadi PNS.

*Oia, tadinya tahun ini Kemenperin menjadwalkan tes potensi khusus (TPK) dulu sebelum Seleksi Kompetensi Dasar (SKD) yang pakai sistem CAT. Karena tetiba ditiadakan, fast forward langsung validasi dokumen dan SKD deh*

Sungguh aku ini super dodol. Aku nggak ikut grup Whatsapp CPNS Kemenperin meski di FB peserta lain pada ngemis minta masuk grup (kupikir ngapain juga, pasti berisik nggak jelas—ujung-ujungnya pun nggak akan kubaca). Aku juga keasikan baca materi sejarah dan kewarganegaraan sampai nggak ngeh kalau ada section TIU dan TKP! Aku baru latihan Bahasa Indonesia (nggak sempet latihan matematika) dan mempelajari trik TKP di H-3. Asli deh di hari-hari menjelang ujian itu rasanya hectic sekali—sakit kepala, stress, dan super panik karena banyak yang belum dipelajari at wits' end. Semakin panik lagi saat aku tau kalau aku kebagian tes di Maria Convention Hall, tempat yang katanya banyak masalah teknis sampai-sampai pernah ada kloter kementrian lain yang lewat tengah malam masih tes. Mana aku kebagian tes jam set 7 maghrib pulak. dizzy crazy rabbit Continue reading

Hello, I’ve Missed You (LOL) (Random Post)

Nah, I’m kidding. I don’t really miss this blog tongue. I’m at the moment where I get really bored with one thing so I do other thing(s) instead. In this case: 1. I was not in the mood for blogging 2. I had personal issues (responsibility, dealing with anger, mild depression, and social anxiety—I feel better now though) 3. I have to focus on other serious long term project 4. I have to read both Cosmos (Carl Sagan) and A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments (Roland Barthes) concurrently in my free time 5. I was just being a procrastinating INTP, what else could it be? rolling on the floor

Actually, I’ve listed down some posts that I plan to write. Lots of them. Movie reviews. New Recipes. Book reviews. Arggghhh they drive me crazy that I want to get rid of them from my to-do list (but I shouldn’t!). Sooo I decided to relax a bit and write more about ME (as remedy, I could be pretty “sick” at times, you know). I’d like to talk about random abstract things, my ideas, my past, my dreams, or just shitty posts to let go of my overwhelming thoughts (and sometimes, emotion too, Honey kiss). I have to remind myself that I should not stress myself intentionally—I should be happy whenever I’m writing! happy

Also, I’ve decided to write in English now (except for review and recipes posts). I realized 90% of my followers and readers aren’t from Indonesia. For me it is kind of upsetting if my writing goes for nothing. And since it’s decided that I am going to let people take a glimpse into my life, I better not write them in Bahasa Indonesia (I don’t feel good writing something personal/emotion-draining posts—it makes me feel exposed and stupid. English makes it better because my people would be less interested to read it xD).

So, I’ll work harder to provide good posts from now on! I hope you’ll still enjoy my blog even with the upcoming changes sad. See you later guys and gurls! *hugsandkisses *sorrymyenglishissobadthistime




Infinite Loop of Anxiety and Depression

Yeah, today without any rational reasons, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. Well, there WERE reasons though, but I hate to admit it. Today everything was okay. I talked to some friends, had a nostalgic vibe from them—felt encouraged and cheered. I even thought all day about some recipe that I’m going to try tomorrow.

It just happened. I cried at night. It was a long and silent one. Yeah, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these past few days—even worse than last year (which I considered as the worst year ever since I was having nonstop anxiety and depression for losing myself and my loved ones). And the absence (ignorance) of my Aviator only extended my tears. Yeah, I know I sound whiny writing all these teary things; in fact that’s the reason I always stop myself from writing emotionally even when I need to.

I know I’ve always been overthinking things ahead; it’s not easy to stop thinking (you may never know this unless you’re also an INTP). I had people telling me to stop thinking for once. But this is how I work. I have a lot of going in my mind more than you think I do. I’m both pessimistic and a foolish. Even writing this embarrassed me. I know I should have stop worrying things and act instead.

But how should I act? Even today I’m still torn between my dreams and the realistic life I live in. How if I follow my intuition but end up regretting my decision because I ignore what society told (pushed) me?

I hate the fucking society. I hate the world (not the earth and its whole magnificent nature within it—it’s the destructive human that I can’t stand).

And I hate myself the most. How could one bear this broken-hollowed soul, I’ll never know.



Graduation, But Not Really


So, last weekend, last Thursday, 1st Dec 2016 to be precise, I finally graduated, got a diploma degree in analytical chemistry.

Yep, now it’s official that I’m jobless, no more a student.

To be honest, I was not even looking forward to the day. Mainly not because I’m unoccupied—it’s because I am not even proud of what I’ve achieved (the diploma degree in analytical chemistry with a so-so GPA). Also, I don’t really know how to interact with a bunch of friends (read: colleagues) after such a long long long time didn’t see them.

To emphasize it, I’ve been through a very rough year. I’m struggling with so many things that deal with my (hidden) emotions (which is my weakest side). Let’s say I’ve been in grief, resentment, frustration, disappointment, heart-break, despair, bitterness… A complete package of negativity which leads myself even into a worse state of mind: social anxiety and depression. I’ve had those since I was younger, but this year those things come and sweep me away every time. I’m not usually like this.  Continue reading