Graduation, But Not Really

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So, last weekend, last Thursday, 1st Dec 2016 to be precise, I finally graduated, got a diploma degree in analytical chemistry.

Yep, now it’s official that I’m jobless, no more a student.

To be honest, I was not even looking forward to the day. Mainly not because I’m unoccupied—it’s because I am not even proud of what I’ve achieved (the diploma degree in analytical chemistry with a so-so GPA). Also, I don’t really know how to interact with a bunch of friends (read: colleagues) after such a long long long time didn’t meet them.

To emphasize it, I’ve been through a very rough year. I’m struggling with so many things that deal with my (hidden) emotions (which is my weakest side). Let’s say I’ve been in grief, resentment, frustration, disappointment, heart-break, despair, bitterness… A complete package of negativity which leads myself even into a worse state of mind: social anxiety and depression. I’ve had those since I was younger, but this year those things come and sweep me away every time. I’m not usually like this. 

So, I’ve been avoiding people (especially people from my campus). I tried to minimize unnecessary meetings. Yep, I know I’m being a coward. But how am I gonna face people if I couldn’t even face myself? I hate and disgust myself. Have you ever felt that worst about yourself? Have you ever felt so small, weak, stupid, that you only want to swallow yourself in your bedroom; crying silently under your pillows? I really, really, really hate this version of me, but it’s hard to act okay when you really don’t. sad

If there is one thing that made me a little happier about this graduation, it’s because I’ll no longer have to make up any excuse for avoiding these people. I’ll be freed! I’m not sad for parting with them. I only had few close people (that I occasionally refer to as ‘close friends’ so I won’t sound too condescending) in my campus, who turned out not so friendly at the last semesters. Still, I was not thrilled for the day. I’m very sure that the other girls had been planning the best suit, accessories, and make up for weeks (or months?). Me? I bought my kebaya at 5-D and still had it fixed by a tailor for 4 days; also borrowed some of my cousin’s accessories at 5-D. Oh yeah, don’t forget that I didn’t have the toga with me. I took mine right in front of the graduation hall (mine was an over-sized toga, lol, my mother had to fold and pin it right away). Amazing.

Without excitement, I came to the graduation with my parents. I don’t like to mention this, but I felt kinda sad inside, seeing other people had their whole family, best friends, lover, came and brought them gifts or flowers. I wished I had my loved ones other than my parents came to my graduation. If they came and did the same things, I wouldn’t be sad anymore. I might even feel over-joyed and didn’t have to fake my smile the whole day.

Though as I sat and had all the ceremony, I came to realization. Is this real? Am I no longer a student? Is it true that I’m no longer have to wear campus lab coat; that I couldn’t visit the old labs; that I don’t have classes anymore; that I don’t have to write on any daily reports?

I no longer have the right to visit my campus. I don’t know if it saddens me or relieves me.

Well, I don’t know if I actually have ever cared about my campus at all. Even my presence in the graduation felt forced and unnatural. I talked to people, flashed smiles, took few rushed photos with friends (colleagues), got lost in the crowd after the ceremony ended… I felt detached and distant from the liveliness.

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Kinda wished that I were the monkey on the background, lol

I wondered away while seeing the reflection of my own face. I disliked how I look. The make-up didn’t cover my emotions well—it only faked my fake expressions. I felt so ugly—I couldn’t look at myself. Suddenly I felt uncomfortable. I wished I could hide my face. I don't want to see

Okay, enough with the overwhelming gloomy. It was also the day when I injured myself, A LOT. I accidentally hurt my toe that it was heavily bleeding during ceremony LOL. And when I arrived at home, I didn’t wear my wedges properly. So, when I got off from my car, I tripped like twice while I was walking. It hurt my right foot so bad, I’m still crippled up until now HAHAHAHA. Also, don’t forget that there was a weird part where an unknown guy (alumni) all of a sudden spoke up (he mentioned it as ‘oration’) to us, the guests, about basic polymer and its use. Unbelievable. Unforgettable. We had (our final) lecture of polymer chemistry right at the graduation. applause

Well, I guess it’s really time to move on from the tasteless graduation. Time to get up, get a job, get wealthy, be freed, be myself, be happy.

 

With love,

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